


hold my heart, it's beating for you anyway

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (brief) Unrequited Crush, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, F/F, F/M, Give it a listen it's a fabulous song, Hugs, Humanstuck, Infidelity, Kisses, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Oh look it's another song lyric title, This one's from Caraphernelia, by Pierce The Veil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 20:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4320270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You watch. You notice. You take.</p><p>And that's how it goes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold my heart, it's beating for you anyway

**Author's Note:**

> This was a suggestion made by user VocaloidSWEETIE, and I really hope she doesn't mind that it's an AU. Anyway, I told her I'd write it a few weeks back, so I figured it was time I got around to actually DOING so.
> 
> And hence, this fic.

You watch him.

You watch his languid movements, how they convey how little he actually cares about anyone or anything. You watch the way those awful anime shades sit perfect on his pale face, conceal the bunch of freckles you know are there but can barely see. You watch the way his blonde hair shifts when he does, soft and natural. You watch him talk to Rose Lalonde and Terezi Pyrope, quiet and hushed but loud enough for you, the dweeb in the next desk over, to hear.

And he doesn’t notice.

He never has. Even before he and Karkat Vantas became a “thing” he paid no mind to you, the dorky kid with permanently messy hair and square glasses in the seat directly next to his. He’s never even asked you for a pencil, unlike everyone else around, who’ve asked you to borrow one at least once a week and never return them. That’s okay, you guess. It gives you something else to focus on other than the loneliness that is threatening to swallow you whole. Dave Strider may be the one person you want to notice you most, but that doesn’t mean you want to be ignored by everyone else.

(but you are.)

You remain invisible until the turnup of Jade Harley, a foreign exchange student from some scenic island in Spain. She speaks first not to the coolest kid, or the angriest, or the smartest, but to you. Jade has perfectly tan skin, sparkling green eyes, and a smile that could light up an entire room. “Hi, I’m Jade Harley! Who are you?”

For a second you sit dumbly, blue eyes staring into green. It takes a moment for you to recollect yourself before you can finally work up the nerve to mumble, “John Egbert,” under your breath. She doesn’t ask you to speak up, like teachers and other students alway do. Though you speak in a whisper, Jade hears you.

The two of you stick to being acquaintances for a month or so, before she finally breaks through your exterior of “angsty, sad, and lonely” to the real you, the one you keep bottled up because there’s no one around who wants to meet who you truly are. But Jade’s different. You tell her something you like, and rather than scoffing and turning away she instead delves into your interests. “You like pranks?” She asks excitedly the day you first reveal something about yourself, bouncing in her seat. You nod. “What kind of pranks?”

“Any pranks,” You respond, raising your voice from it’s usual whisper. That isn’t you, not really. Never has been. If there were someone around to listen, you wouldn’t talk in hushed tones, and you wouldn’t sit around acting depressed and lonely. Actually, you happen to be quite eccentric and comedic, but no one takes the time to listen. “As long as they’re funny, it doesn’t matter.”

Jade smiles loosely. “That’s awesome, John! I bet you’re good at pranks, right?”

It is with hesitance that you nod, slowly. “Yeah, I guess. My dad actually appreciates most of my pranks, but he has some weird fatherly sixth sense that makes him pretty much sense them from a mile away. So it’s really hard to get him!” You exclaim, shocked by the sound of your own voice. It’s been such a long time since you’ve spoken like that, with so much enthusiasm…

Jade seems to notice too. Her smile grows impossibly large, green eyes twinkling with delight. “I knew there was a happy boy under all that angst.”

You smile gently, laughing quietly. “Guess so.”

The two of you are friends for the entire school year, and you forget about Dave.

* * *

Summer break comes and goes too fast. You wish you could just stay home with your dad, one of the only places you feel secure, a place you can be yourself. But your dad is a busy man, and he doesn’t have time to homeschool you. When the first day of school comes along, you feel excitement spark in your chest at the thought of seeing Jade again. Of course you two kept in touch over the summer, but chatting with a person is never the same as talking to them face-to-face.

But she’s nowhere to be found. You send her a message, asking if she forgot about the first day of school, to which she texts back that she’s actually packing to move back to Spain, and she’s “so so sorry!!!” that she waited so long to tell you. You tell her it’s fine, you’re fine, and lie that you have to go. You want to throw your phone from a bridge, but instead you turn it off and stuff it in your back pocket.

You notice him.

You notice him standing a foot away from you, leaning against a brick wall with a cigarette in between his lips. You notice his hand in Karkat’s, who is blabbing about who-knows-what. You notice how he nods now and then, giving the loudmouthed redhead a notice that he’s being acknowledged. You notice he doesn’t actually seem interested in whatever Karkat is going on about, and he’s actually focusing on taking slow, smooth drags from his cigarette and the tree near him.

And you get to watch as it all comes crashing down.

Karkat uncurls his small hand from Dave’s, flips him the bird, and walks off without even a hint as to why he’s doing so. You guess that’s probably because it doesn’t have to be said aloud; he’s tired of being ignored. This is your chance, it’s like the free spot on the bingo card, a blessing in disguise. You want to talk but your chest has collapsed, and as you turn to run away Dave speaks. “Saw all that, didn’t you?”

You turn back slowly, shuffling your feet. “Um, yeah.”

“‘S okay,” Dave assures, putting out his cigarette using the brick wall behind him. He tosses the remains to the ground. “We didn’t break up or anything. Kar’s just pissy ‘cause I don’t like listening to the plotlines of his shitty romcoms.”

“Oh.” You say. Your head hurts. You want to cry and scream and kiss Dave, you want to be Karkat Vantas, but you cannot, you are John Egbert. This is the life you’ve been given, and it’s the one you have no choice but to take. You can’t give it back, you can’t trade it in for a better version; this is your shitty life, and you must lead it to the end.

“You got any friends other than Jade Harley?” He asks after a moment, and you can’t help but narrow your eyes even though it’s the truth. “Just askin’, since she moved away and all. It’s the talk of the school, a lot of people were friends with her.”

You tell him Jade was your only friend.

He gives you his chumhandle and says you shouldn’t have to be alone.

* * *

It had always been painful to see Dave and Karkat together, but after you kindle a friendship with Dave it becomes a thousand times worse. Before, you only knew of Dave from the rumor mill, only had his looks and a few true things you’d heard of him to admire. But when you really get to know him, that’s when the gaping hole in your chest seems to grow wide enough to consume you.

With Dave’s friendship came Rose’s and Terezi’s, though you think the former is more fond of you than the latter.

“John, if I may ask, do you have a crush on Dave?” Rose asks one day, while the two of you are sitting beneath a shady tree watching band practice. This has become your routine on Tuesday evenings; grab some cheap dinner at a fast food place, then bring it back to the school and watch the school band practice. You yourself don’t know anyone in the band, but Rose’s girlfriend, Kanaya, plays the flute.

You don’t want to respond, but you do. “Well, I always have. I mean, before the whole friendship thing.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

And before you know it, you’ve broken into tears. Rose looks shocked, but she sets her chicken sandwich down and pulls you close to her. You grip her cashmere sweater in your hands and sob, face tucked away into her neck. She seems to care very little about the fact that your tears are staining her expensive sweater, more about the fact that you have officially broken down. She rubs comforting circles in your back and tells you it’s okay, you’re okay.

(it’s a lie and you both know it.

but you try to believe it.)

* * *

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: yo eggs ive got a theory for you

EB: a theory?

TG: yeah yall are into that theory shit arent you

EB: um…

EB: sure?

TG: well i still got a theory to pose

TG: a hypothetical question more or less

EB: well, go ahead.

TG: so what if this guy

TG: had a boyfriend

TG: and he thinks at one point he really had some genuine ass feelings for the guy

TG: but then he makes friends with this kid

TG: and this kid just fucking sweeps him off his feet without even KNOWING

TG: so now its like “oh shit what do i do”

TG: because he cant break up with the one guy you know theyve got some long term shit going on

TG: but he just isnt feeling their relationship anymore

EB: dave, are you sure this is hypothetical?

EB: it seems too personal.

TG: you caught me

TG: it isnt hypothetical

EB: oh?

EB: then…

EB: who are we talking about?

TG: me

EB: oh.

EB: so who swept you off your feet?

TG: you

EB: are you…

EB: are you sure about that?

TG: sure as a man could be

EB: um. well. i’m a little caught off guard.

TG: im sure you dont feel the same its fine i was just curious

EB: no!

EB: wait, i…

EB: listen, it’s stupid to do this over pesterchum.

EB: i’ll just come over, ok?

TG: ok

TG: see ya soon?

EB: yeah.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Rose messages you at least a hundred times during your walk to Dave’s, but you opt to ignore her. It’s rude on all accounts, and she’ll probably be pissed to the max by the time you finally get around to responding. You tire of your phone ringing every five seconds, so before you knock on Dave’s front door you shut it down. As you ready yourself to knock, the door opens.

“So.” You say, cursing up a storm in your head at how stupid that was. You could have said anything else, even a simple “hello” would have sufficed, but instead you chose to go the most awkward route of them all and say “so.” Unbelievable.

“So.” He replies, in a tone you wouldn’t doubt is meant to mock yours. You roll your eyes but smile delicately, and for a few seconds the two of you are just standing there in front of each other, only about three inches of space dividing you. Then Dave springs forward and kisses you hard, his hands grabbing the sides of your face. You’re too shocked at first to respond, but when you feel his tongue prod at your lips you open your mouth and melt.

You pull back first, breathing hard. “I...Karkat…”

“Yeah, Karkat,” Dave snorts. “Gee, you sure know what you should talk about right after I literally _made out_ with you on my doorstep. Karkat’s my boyfriend. I intend for it to stay that way. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, anyway.”

“Huh?”

“God, Eggs. Do I gotta spell it out for you?”

You stare blankly.

He heaves a sigh.

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

“But Karkat--”

“Fuck Karkat,” He snaps, but you know he doesn’t mean it. Dave really is fond of Karkat, but you guess it’s gone from romantic to strictly platonic but he doesn’t have the heart to leave Karkat. Or he’s worried of being murdered. Frankly, it could be either, knowing Karkat. “Again, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“Yeah.” You breathe.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Dave leans in and kisses you again.

* * *

Rose is the first to notice something’s amiss.

Maybe it’s because of your too-long locked gazes, or when Dave wraps his arm around Karkat’s shoulders your hand disappears, too. Maybe it’s just because Rose has a sense of these things, an uncanny ability to sense odd breaks in normalcy. On the first Wednesday night band practice, she calmly sips her Coke before asking, “John, is Dave cheating on Karkat with you?”

You don’t know how to reply. She acts disinterested, but you know she is infinitely curious to hear the answer. Rose Lalonde is the kind of person who does everything for a reason, no matter what it is she’s doing. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“No,” She replies. Her arm slinks around your shoulders, and she pulls you close, kneading the fabric of your Ghostbusters shirt with her fingers. “I don’t think you or Dave are bad people, in fact. Both of you are wonderful. While I believe Karkat deserves to know the truth, I won’t be the one to deliver it to him. If Dave needs time to figure out how to break it off, and in that time he dates you, so be it.”

“Thank you.”

“Mmhmm.”

* * *

You take him.

You take him from Karkat. Karkat Vantas, who never really deserved him anyway, who probably never wanted him as much as you. Or maybe he had. Maybe Karkat had pined over Dave as much as you, but unlike you he’d been confident enough to make his move when given the chance. It doesn’t matter now, though. Because you’ve already taken him, and it’s too late.

Usually, Karkat stays away from you. He spends most of his time with Dave, Terezi, or the girl who sits a few seats away from you in math, Nepeta. But on a rainy Friday, he asks if you’ll walk home with him. It confuses you; the two of you really aren’t good friends, not even acquaintances. Still, you agree. He’d come to school with an umbrella, whereas you’d forgotten yours at home.

He holds the rainbow umbrella above your heads, his free hand resting on the strap of his bookbag. “Is there something you--”

“I’m cheating on Dave.”

You stop in your tracks. Karkat follows suit, maybe because he hadn’t wanted the rain to soak you, or because he’s waiting for you to do something like beat him up. You’d have to be an idiot to not notice how close you and Dave are, and though Terezi often picks fun at Karkat’s intelligence, he’s no idiot.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. With, um, Nepeta Leijon.”

“Oh.”

“Can you tell him I’m sorry?”

You try hard to be angry with Karkat for cheating on Dave, but you can’t. Dave’s been cheating on him with you, and though Karkat’s own cheating doesn’t justify your choices and Dave’s choices, it does prevent you from getting anything more than slightly frustrated. And Karkat looks so distraught, so broken, so _guilty_ , that you have even more difficulty in being properly pissed off.

“Sure.”

“Because I really am.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll tell him.”

And then Karkat hugs you, dropping the umbrella on the sidewalk and completely forgetting about it. He starts crying and then you do, too, even though you aren’t sure whether it’s because guilt has been eating you alive or because he is. You wrap your arms around him and squeeze, ignoring the rain that’s pouring down and soaking right through your clothes.

* * *

 

You walk with Karkat to his house, hug him once more, then rather than heading toward your own home you walk to Dave’s. Your clothes are clinging to your body, rubbing you in all the wrong ways. You’d rather go home and change into some pajamas, but you feel obliged to tell Dave about Karkat and Nepeta. That’s her name, right? Nepeta? You don’t have time to remember, because before you know it you’re at Dave’s house, banging your fist against the wooden door.

Dave is at the door in a few seconds, eyes widening when he sees you. He doesn’t have his shades on, and you pass over the fact that his eyes are a crimson red for now. You can touch on that subject later on. “Are you fucking crazy?” He asks after a minute of silence, tugging you into his apartment by your arm. “Holy fuck, at least wear a rain jacket or some shit. Could even be a Ghostbusters rain coat, even though that’s dorky. Still, it would protect you from getting pneumonia, holy _shit_.”

He tells you to strip and then tosses you a shirt and some boxers, averting his eyes while you change into them. You’re wearing his stupid red and white shirt with the broken record on it, and while it fits Dave like a glove it hangs from your lanky frame and almost reaches your knees. On you, it’s more a dress than a shirt. “Karkat’s been cheating on you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He looks a little hurt by the fact, but only for a second.

“With who?”

“Nepeta Leijon.”

“Oh.”

He goes quiet again.

You focus on the pitter of the rain against the windows and the glow of headlights from passing cars, bathing the dim room in bright yellow light every few seconds. The silence is deafening, but you ignore it.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?”

“Which movie?”

“Any one.”

“You can pick, but don’t pick horror.”

Dave chooses to watch the movie _It_.

You want to wring his neck for that, because you’d told him strictly _no_ horror. You’ve always hated movies that had the ability to keep you awake for months. Every little noise the movie omits has you jumping, cowering away from the screen and curling into yourself. You’re an hour in when Dave reaches over and pulls you into his side, kissing the top of your head. You want to protest, to tell him you’re perfectly fine by yourself in the corner, thank you, but another sudden noise blasts from the TV and you’re moving impossibly close to Dave, fingers woven into the fabric of his shirt.

He runs a careful hand through your hair.

“This is nice.”

“Mmhmm.”

You lean your head back and kiss Dave’s chin, laughing when he swats you away. You do it a second time simply for the sake of pissing him off. This time he hauls you up by your arms and sits you on his lap, meshing your lips together. You sigh into the kiss.

Once, you'd wanted to be Karkat Vantas.

Now you're perfectly content with being John Egbert.

**Author's Note:**

> This was an evil idea, which is probably the main reason I agreed to it.
> 
> In case you're wondering I really don't like Davekat (at all), so I didn't cringe while writing Dave cheating on Karkat. While I don't believe this would ever happen in canon, I did tell someone I would write it for them, so I stuck to my word. No offense to Davekat shippers or anything, I just really fucking dislike the ship.
> 
> (Also, VocaloidSWEETIE, I hope this was okay! I hope you liked it!)


End file.
